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dealing with a new inlaw - Experienced parents talk about parenting
smurfetts_lamb
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smurfetts_lamb
dealing with a new inlaw
I can't post this in my own journal and I know the answer to this but I am hoping someone will give me a better answer.
I have a new SIL. She is 23 and acts like she knows everything. Luckily they are years away from having kids. She has worked as a nanny on and off for several years. I am having several issues with her and I think they are starting to blur together to make me really dislike her (which is really unfortunate).
So here are my issues:
She says she is burnt out on being around kids and that she is afraid she won't want kids if she has to be around one more child. She says this to my face and in front of my son.  - I do not know how to respond to this. She also makes comments about how she would never to this or that with her kids - all the while she is doing said things with my son. I have pointed out to her that she should not say things around kiddo that she does not want repeated since he is in a mimic phase.
She comes to me all the time and asks for advice. I always think a while before responding to her. And I always take everything she has told me into consideration. On most of these occasions I have been told that I do not know what I am saying and it is obviously "not my business" the moment I start giving her an answer.
I'm frustrated. I obviously know that I need to tell her to solve her own problems and leave me out of it. I hate drama and feel every conversation with this girl is pulling me in. I also feel that she is insulting me by the way she treats me.
So... advice?
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Comments
shy_extravert From: shy_extravert Date: December 18th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
It sounds like she thinks she wants advice, but really just wants "oh, that must be difficult for you." So I say that when she asks for advice, pretend she said "I don't actually want advice, but just someone to listen."

You don't even have to tell her to leave you out of it unless she puts you on the spot and says "what would you do?" or something like that. Anything other than a direct question can be answered with "oh, man," "that is rough," etc.

Oh, and you're right--I also assumed we would not be exchanging presents, so no worries. (though I secretly hope that you're stashing a little of that flavored booze and I can try a taste!)
smurfetts_lamb From: smurfetts_lamb Date: December 18th, 2007 11:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oooh yeaz, I have booze for your wanna be drunk ass! Joe and I actually sipped it last night to see if it was tasting better. haha!

She does put me on the spot in front of the boys though. She asks, Joe, then Jon waits for each of their answers and then she asks me and tells me my answer is impractical or worthless once I do. I am seriously about to tell her where to shove it. I called Joe and told him what occurred today to set me off and he responded by saying that she is indeed giving different stories to different people and denying when she gets called on it. (I hate people like that!)
I just do not know what to do other than ignore her politely and consistently. Also every time I try to talk to BIL for any reason she steps in and says he is busy and that I must talk to her. She tried telling Joe that and he got pissed.
I swear she should just piss on him and all his stuff to mark her territory instead. Life would be easier.
cmarie14 From: cmarie14 Date: December 19th, 2007 12:04 am (UTC) (Link)
You could always pull the trick my old college prof. used to use with telemarketers - just tell her you'd "prefer not to answer." When she asks "Why?" just repeat yourself - "I'd just prefer not."

Eventually they get annoyed and go away.

My SIL was the same exact way, except for the not wanting to be around kids thing. Having one calmed her down a lot. That and plain old maturity. Just don't feed her need for attention - it's obvious most if not all people are seeing right through her, so you shouldn't feel embarrassed about what she says about your ideas. No one else is taking her seriously.

The other two things that affected how my SIL was acting was that first, I think she was trying to find her place in my family structure and felt threatened by me. And that was caused by the fact that I had to take care of my little brother a lot when we were younger, and he liked to get into trouble - which would get me in trouble because I didn't stop it. So I ended up being extremely bossy to try and get him to behave and it stuck with him that I was bossy. So much so that 10 years later he was telling his girlfriend stories about my bossiness. :) He didn't understand that I was being held responsible for his behavior. We happened to end up on the subject last year and once we both understood each other all of our relationships got better. All that to say that it could be that your brother is telling stories about you, good or bad, that she may be misunderstanding. :P
smurfetts_lamb From: smurfetts_lamb Date: December 19th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC) (Link)
I've been getting to the point of responding with, "what do you think you should do" every time she asks me stuff.
I finally feel myself calming down. My period must be coming because that was so much more irrational that usual for me. I want to like my SIL but in trying to find her place she is insulting my FIL often to all of us. I might bitch in private to Joe but I do not bitch to other family members like that. She is just different.
I also had a weird thing happen with my other sister in law. I asked her what they wanted for xmas and she said to not bother but then she sent gifts to us.
cmarie14 From: cmarie14 Date: December 19th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC) (Link)
lol, when it rains...maybe she just really likes giving gifts and didn't really want anything.
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